Christian Men and Sexual Frustration

Christian Men and Sexual Frustration

Man PrayingIt truly is everyman’s battle! It does not matter what a man’s persuasion is – rich or not, from the South, North, Westside or up North, married or single, black, white, Latino, Asian, African, and it certainly does not matter if he is a Christian or not – everyman is susceptible to either those passing or the long term bouts with “sexual frustration”. Yet, in the church, how a man copes with his “battle” is rarely if ever discussed. The silence or lack of real open dialogue leads to men either suffering alone in silence or adopting solutions that don’t consider Christ.

At EYM, we focus on living “Elevated” marriages and lives, where we look “up” to Christ as we live through our lives here on earth. So, let’s talk about it, how do Christian husbands (and their wives) handle a common challenge to all men with the uncommon strength and wisdom of Christ?

What is Sexual Frustration?

When I refer to sexual frustration, I am speaking of the frustration, depression or generally irritable state that anyone can find themselves in, when their sexual expectations or “needs” are not met. Although, we are talking about the fight a man goes through, women can also struggle with being sexually unfulfilled. However, it is fair to say, men seem to struggle more frequently and perhaps even more intensely in this area. Whether it has been a few weeks or years, there is a real fight that occurs when a man is not having sex as often as he believes he ought to. It is a fight that can lead to paths that put a man face to face with everything from depression to anger to forms of sexual immorality – such as infidelity and pornography.

The reasons for why a man is “challenged”, range from physical/biological reasons to emotional to relationship concerns, and in the end – regardless of cause or reasons – a man has to take a Christ centered approach to fighting this fight. 

I am not a doctor or psychologist, so I am not going to get into why it is or where sexual frustration comes from, at the level of a trained professional. However, as a man for 41 years, with a pretty diverse array of male friends at different points of life, I feel comfortable in saying that sexual frustration is real, the places that a man’s mind goes are real and if not taken head on, sexual frustration can destroy a marriage as well as a man’s credibility. So here are a few things that the Christian man can do, to fight the fight of faith to their God and their wife at times of sexual frustration.

  1. Prayer. If it seems like to every problem prayer is somewhere in the discussion, you are correct. Prayer is the most powerful weapon that we have as Christians when facing the most powerful problems. Prayer does not make anything just go away. However, if a man starts praying and he is  angry with his wife because they are not having sex enough, prayer may change his feelings, but it may not. What prayer does do, is allow us to see God in our challenges and line us up with God. Sometimes prayers are the end point of our struggle. Other times, prayer is a bridge that gets us through the struggle. And honestly, we don’t know which is which when we are in the middle of the storm. Just keep praying 1 day to 20 years – just keep praying.
  2. Read the Bible. Another common offering. But again, it is what God gave us to get through this life. Coming across a passage that says, Greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world, on a day when the girl in the office is flirting and your wife is preoccupied with a big project at work, might just save your marriage. Knowing and having the word in time of life’s frustrations, comes from reading the word of God. Your word I have treasured in my heart,That I may not sin against You. Psalms 119:11
  3. Be Honest. I find that many men keep their wife in the dark – way too long. A man’s wife is to be his best friend, but not his mind reader. Tell her that you struggle with temptation, fantasies, pornography, etc…when the two of you don’t have sex frequently. It in no way moves the blame to the wife. A man is still responsible for his own actions. The point is to put it on the table, admit it, so there is an opportunity to deal with it together, side be side, not alone in dark shadows.
  4. Talk in terms of x+y = z. This is something that I picked up from Dr’s. Les and Leslie Parrott’s DVD, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. It basically goes like this, “When you do “x” + “y”, it makes me feel “z”. For example, when we don’t have sex on a regular basis (x), I begin to struggle with pornography (y) and it makes me feel angry or depressed (z). Again, this does not place the fault on the wife, but it is the concrete information that your wife needs to come by her husband’s side and walk with him through the problem.
  5. Be wise. Your temptation and depression will be at it’s highest when your frustration is also at it’s highest. Remember the old G.I. Joe cartoon character that would say, now you know and knowing is half of the battle. In the same way, knowing that when your frustrations grow and emotions toward your wife start changing, it won’t be long before a challenge is going to jump on your back like 2 tons of bricks, and knowing this is half of the battle. Godly wisdom is knowing that these are the times to become more entrenched in your relationship with Christ – read the Bible and pray more  – arm yourself.
  6. Get surrounded with other men. Admitting that you and your wife are not having sex as often as you like, is typically not that shocking to other men (or women either), it is the sentiment of quite a few men from time to time. It does not make us, less of a man, instead the man that stops hiding behind their frustration just might find strength in other like minded, strong men of faith.  Find or form an accountability group that is a place, that you can just say what the real deal is, without worry about judgement, chastisement or it being retold. Find men that you can trust, it does not have to be a formal group. But there has to be an established agreement about boundaries in place – never to be broken.
  7. Ask God to Deal With It. I mentioned prayer at the start. But there is a specific conversation with God that needs to be had. If we men could deal with bouts of sexual frustration on our own, we would have – long ago. Ask God to take away the urges and to provide strength to stay in line with His will for you. Sexual frustration feels like, life is out of control. But God has control over all things, even our enemies and sources of our weaknesses… check out Isaiah 54:16-17 “Behold, I Myself have created the smith who blows the fire of coals And brings out a weapon for its work; And I have created the destroyer to ruin. “ No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their vindication is from Me,” declares the Lord.

Again, sexual frustration doesn’t discriminate, it knocks on every man’s door, but a man in Christ has the armor of Christ on his side – use it. Only God can give a man strength to maintain integrity and fidelity to his spouse and God. It is a fight, so fight the good fight of faith.

How about you EYM, how do you think that a relationship with Christ empowers a man to overcome the emotional and physical challenges during times of sexual frustration?

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80 thoughts on “Christian Men and Sexual Frustration

  1. Brenda

    Wrong wrong wrong! If a man discusses with his wife his need for more sex and she doesn’t do anything to change it, IT IS HER FAULT. A man shouldn’t have to ask God to take away a natural need that isn’t being met. That’s like telling a starving child to pray that he’ll not be hungry anymore. WOMEN NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE OR ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES!

      1. WH

        OOOOOH so wrong, Beryl. It’s actually you that has blaming mentality; except in your case, it’s blame the male for a sex drive. Or more accurately, NEVER blame the female. And Christian marriages will continue to fail more often than they succeed, with lack of sex the #1 issue for men…but don’t ever accuse the wife, let’s give her a free pass.

      2. Gopaul

        The word of God says ” it is better to marry than to burn ..for the husband body doesn’t belong to himself , but to his wife and the wife body doesn’t belong to herself , but to her husband . Give due beneficent ( when needed) ..least ye be tempted . I understand what the writer is saying , but I agree that it is partly the wife responsibility too . We are married for better or worse . Commiting our lives , heart and body to one another . I understand certain circumstances like time , distance or medical circumstances prevent the lack of the intimacy . But a loving wife should ..if she love her husband his need , vice versa … Least he be tempted …Example ..let say you or your wife is not hungry , but the kids are ..are you not going to feed them because your are not hungry ?. Let every husband be faithful to his wife as Christ is to the body of belivers and enjoy the wife of his youth . Let him.. take delight in all her utter delights and let him be satisfied with her . It goes both ways . Both man and women are created wonderfully . We need to know and understand one another , before we get married Adam did when he knew Eve. . Pastors, parent and love ones need to talk and counsel young couple s when they get marry , to avoid sexual frustration .Pray and talking to friends helps a lot ,too. I didn’t know the word ” be fruitfull and multiply carry so much luggage . If you agree or disagree with this please contact me at .

    1. Brian sherwin

      Only just come across this blog but such a release to get a woman’s perspective as nothing will
      Induce my wife to even talk about our sex life or sex life generally.Feeling truly isolated lonely and guilt ridden because neither does she need or agree to mediation or counselling.Deparate.though I cannot want a better housewife who has such sex appeal yet treats me like a foolish adolescent brother.
      Any help welcome.

      1. Mark Becking

        Hi Brian
        I am part of a group of people who are fighting for marriages around the world. if you are in a location where a re|engage group is running I would suggest that you and your wife go on the course. it is a LOT more than sex – it is discipleship for the two of you towards Christ. The course has been an amazing thing for my wife and I and continues to show us GOD’s way into the future instead of our way…
        Read a little about it and then see if there’s a course. First, spend some real time in prayer, and then ask your wife to go with you.
        if you would like, shoot me a mail and I’ll pray for you.
        Sex is the responsibility of both spouses who love Jesus – remember it was created by HIM.

    2. Mari R.

      Hello Brenda,
      I do agree with a couple of your remarks– the one where you say a man should not have to pray that God will take away a natural need that is not being met just as a starving child shouldn’t be expected to pray that God will take the hunger away.
      But I don’t agree with the view that wives better “put out,” whether they like it or not, so their husband isn’t tempted to cheat!
      The REAL problem is with most Christians’ misinterpretation of the Bible when it comes to the subject of masturbation. The Bible does not forbid it. What the Bible does forbid are adultery and lust (intense preoccupation with a specific fantasy about a specific woman).
      It is definitely possible to masturbate to relieve physiological sexual tensions without looking at pornography or otherwise lusting. If needed, a person (male or female) can use a vibrating body massager (commonly sold at drug stores and other stores) to assist them in getting themselves to release.
      A wife should never be expected to subordinate her negative feelings about having a sexual encounter to her husband’s sexual needs. That’s not fair, since intercourse is a highly invasive and personal act and for many women is painful, distressing, and repulsive, not to mention unsatisfying!
      What I am saying is that there IS a sensible, workable compromise which allows both husbands and wives to have their differing needs met without conflict or suffering. Whenever the wife says no to sex, tge husband needs to “take matters into his own hands” and satisfy his own sexual needs at that point, without the use of lust or pornography, of course.
      This is just good, common sense, folks. And husbands understanding that once married, most women lose their sexual desire, so the husbands need to provide the preponderance of their sexual fulfilment to themselves and look to their wife only on rare, special occasions.
      Likewise, wives need to get over their squeemishness about their husbands masturbating, as long as they follow the guidelines I have described. Wives must understand that men’s physiological need for regular sexual release is real and a biological need like going to the bathroom. Stop reading so much into it. Both spouses need a change of mindset.
      Many a marriage could be SAVED this way. The fewer the broken homes, the better!

  2. Edward

    Thank you so much for your comment! I love it! I do stand by the point of the article that it’s the man’s responsibility to remain faithful to God regardless of the situation. Not getting enough sex is not an excuse to cheat or checkout of the marriage! Every man would love to be able to command&demand of his wife. But here are 3 scenarios that all of a husbands demands will have little to no change on their wife. (1) Chemical/Hormonal imbalance effecting libido (2) physical disability, i.e. wheel chair bound (3) physical distance – she’s out of town for work or deployed overseas for military service. I agree with you that in some cases it might be a matter of “stepping up” but in so many other cases it is much deeper than that. In neither case is the man’s desire going away. So the point remains, whatever the case – the man has strength in God to remain faithful to his vows to God and his wife. Thanks again for your voice on this topic!

    1. WH

      Edward, women must love your article because you give the ONLY person a Christian man can express his God-given desires to a free pass in regards to sex. We should be complimenting Brenda, not refuting what she says. Think about it – if every Christian wife held herself responsible for meeting her husband’s needs, how many divorces or affairs would there be? Virtually none! Her example of trying to pray-away a man’s desires is apt. You sure have clear responsibilities for the Christian husband, what do you think a wife’s sexual responsibilities are to her husband…none?

      1. Edward

        WH – the point of the article was to find strength in Christ regardless of the situation (the why). That is what it means to “Elevate” your marriage – to look above to Christ. Too often we allow the circumstance to dictate behavior. This is not about why a husband and wife are not fulfilling each other’s needs – rather how to handle the feelings – whatever the cause. From illness, to trust issues, to not in the mood – it still manifests as frustration and a man needs the strength of Christ to endure.

        1. Mari R.

          You are writing a prescription for marital and personal disaster by giving men no other choice than to “white knuckle it:” do without sex for extended periods, even permanently, if the wife says no!
          Please read my above post I wrote to Brenda and think about it. What I said is true.
          There IS a morally appropriate way for men in sexless or low-sex marriages (and single men, too) to relieve their physiological sexual needs without resorting to lust or the use of pornography.
          Read my above post.

  3. Vernon

    If we get real honest here. It does not matter how many times our wives make love to us. We will never be satisfied. What we need to get honest about is are we putting to much stock into that area of our relationship. We waited before they became our wives, so know we own them? And will have a sucker attack if they don’t? Long as they aren’t trying to control us we should be cool. It’s better when they coming on to us anyway I think

    1. Mari R.

      Hi Vernon,
      Read my above post I wrote to Brenda.
      Guys don’t have to suffer and do without sexual release– IF they follow the guidelines I state in my post.
      Life is too short to inflict needless suffering on yourself!

    1. Mari R.

      Prayer and Bible study are NO SUBSTITUTES for unmet physiological needs like hunger or periodic sexual release.
      Quit passing along the propaganda that claims they are!

      1. J

        Mari R,

        A little off topic, but…

        I think there are stark biblical example of how people got through unmet physiological needs with none other than PRAYER AND BIBLE STUDY!

        IE: fasting, oh yeah, and the cross

  4. Toni

    The word of God tells the woman to be available to her husband so he won’t turn to another. Marriage is two people coming together as one and we have to be sensitive to each other needs, wants and desires. Its easy to say pray about even the sexual relationship between husband and wife. The truth is that’s not happening. Along with prayer in a christian marriage God need to be even in the marriage bed. We have to pray that we are desirous to our spouses and that God helps us as wives and husbands even in our marriage.

  5. Dee

    This is a good article. The major concern here is the role that the church has or has not played in relational matters. I think it is ironic that the pastors/preachers will preach against fornication,but do not spend time talking about being sexually liberation while married. We have been lectured and preached at for so long about how bad sex is that churches do not spend time building the family. Statistically, the divorce rate for christian marriages is higher than non-believers, and the church has remained silent.

    In addition, I am glad the article mention that women are or can be sexually frustrated as well. Men stress and internalize a lot of things which often can impact his desire. When a man is feeling like this it does not suggest he is cheating or does not desire his wife, but that there may be something deeper going on.

    Sex is a GIFT (a wonderful gift) that God has designed for husband and wife to enjoy, and to produce. I think when two people grow deeper in love even if “sex” is not taking place (due to health, age, etc.) intimacy should never end.

    Both men and women should consider the needs (desires and wants) of their spouse, as their bodies are no longer theirs. My husband and I have fun with our coming together, and it starts (for us) with flirting (with each other) throughout the day.

    1. Edward

      @Dee thanks so much for your thoughtful input. The church does play a part in how we think about this issue. It is something that every marriage runs across yet no body wants to actually acknowledge or talk about it. Thank God for the gift – LOL.

  6. Guest

    I have prayed before to desire my husband some days Im tired when he is in the mood and im not. But wants its on then that passion kicks in then it ok from there.

  7. Pingback: 49 BEST Sex and Marriage Posts of 2012 | Intimacy in Marriage

  8. GG

    I have found the book “Married Man Sex Life” to be very helpful. It is not a Christian book, but has principles that Christian men can use. I really think that Christians are taking the wrong approach to this, or are not going far enough in their approach. The steps you laid out are good, but in my opinion they are not enough. Many people don’t understand how female sexual desire works and the things that make women sexually interested in a man (ideally, their husbands). Those things have been “trained out” of us in our culture. This book really opened my eyes to a lot of things I did not understand. Christians cannot apply everything that the book suggests, but can apply a lot of it. Many of the same points are explained on the blog by the same name, in the early 2010 posts. I would say to husbands who are very frustrated, “What do you have to lose?”

  9. DaveAM

    This article offers very little in terms of dealing with a selfish spouse who will not regularly provide their conjugal duties. These tips can help with the death or sickness of a spouse, but you must handle sin differently. In short they must be gently rebuked so they can repent. Here’s a cliff’s notes version on how to really handle it: 1) Tell her. Make sure you include all of the juicy details about how her behavior has made you feel. Ask her to respond to everything you just said. Remember not to use a demanding spirit. 2) Make her read the beginning of 1 Cor 7 to you. Ask her specifically what she thinks God is saying with the phrase “your body is not your own.” 3) Ask her to read James 2:14-26 to you. Ask her does she think this applies to sex in a marriage as well (answer: it does). If these first 3 do not make a difference in her demeanor then congratulations you are either unequally yoked or married to an unbeliever. How to proceed from here is to continue to hold up your end of the marriage outline given in the bible. Continue to express your frustration to her through words. She needs to really know what her actions are doing to you. Call her up throughout the day and tell her when frustration hits. Tell her what situations you are in and what is happening. Are you being tempted? Tell her and ask her to pray for you to endure these temptaions. If after some time she is STILL not having sex with you I would legitimately consider her an unbeliever and she has abandoned you. I would file divorce. She will have no misconceptions about why because you have been communicating with her with a quiet spirit asking her to be a wife. She just refuses to.

    1. Edward

      @DaveAM – In whatever the approach we have to use prayer and wisdom from the Holy Spirit on how to handle whatever we face. Your approach is different than mine, but you have to do what God is leading you to do. I would be concerned about demeaning or belittling my wife and pushing her further away. That is why it takes a diversity of views – so thanks for sharing.

      1. DaveAM

        @Edward: I’m not marginalizing prayer or the power of the Spirit at all, nor am I speaking of demeaning my wife. God calls us to obedience and our behaviors directly affect the effectiveness of our prayers and blessings received. I see this as clearly an obedience topic because God detailed out how husbands and wives are supposed to treat one another. I am saying to simply communicate with her. Demeaning would come across in your attitude or approach. IMO this is something you should be very direct and truthful about. I don’t know why you think that communicating your feelings or frustrations to your wife would push her away. I have yet to meet a woman that has a problem communicating her feelings back. Try it and be direct. You might be surprised at the results. It’s your right as a husband.

        1. Edward

          Hey Dave I truly appreciate the conversation! I keep following up, because I feel it is something that needs this kind of open dialogue that we are having, and perhaps it is a blessing to others.

          I was motivated to write this post by watching a few husbands that are in marriage’s where sex is physically impossible. The challenges, urges or temptations to those husbands are no different than that of the husband with a physically able wife. In whatever the case that a couple is not having sex – be it physical, emotional, mental, childhood, or abuse – there is help in Christ. Communicating your feelings to a wife that is wheel chair bound, or physically unable to have sex probably won’t change the situation. The husband still has to find inner strength to shift his perspective…
          Thanks again for the dialogue.

          1. DaveAM

            Hi Edward. I don’t see mention of physical disability in the article. I’m sorry for the mixup.

          2. Mari R.

            You know, if a wife is wheelchair bound or otherwise unable to tolerate sexual intercourse, she is still able to satisfy her husband sexually by hand. If she wishes, she can use nitrile or soft vinyl medical glives along with a water-based sexual lubricant. The husband can instruct her about the motions needed to bring him to sexual release.
            My sister developed uterine cancer and was unable to have sex after surgery. Her doctor recommended that she and her husband try tgis. It is partnered, marital sexual activity, but isn’t intercourse. It also works well with impotent men who can’t take Viagra and similar drugs. Also, after prostate surgery.
            Don’t be so paranoid and hyperscrupulous about marital sex!

        2. DaveAM

          I also see this as a problem more prevalent in today’s church. I’m speaking about spiritual leaders who don’t urge others to follow in the examples set before them. I read all of Paul’s letters in the bible and I can see the love and passion, but it has no shortage of rebuke, exhortation, and “delivering unto Satan.” I look in today’s modern church and I don’t see ANY of this going on. Where is the public rebuke and discipline? More often than not complete disobedience is met with “just pray for them” and brush it under the rug. This type of leadership carries over into marriages as well. With men as the spiritual leaders of the family, you are supposed to do this as well! This is why one of the qualifications of being an elder is to manage your household well because this is where you learn to do this! Jesus did not only leave us with a book of words to live by and sentiments, but of authority, power, and stewardship. I think so many people see correction and exhortation as signs of conflict or as a lack of love. This is an attack from Satan I believe. A lie perpetrated on TV that has set this mindset. You can exercise authority in a loving way. You are acting in love when you do it!

          1. Beryl

            @DavidAM, you may not realize it, but the Bible is not all about a man lording over and being domineering to his wife, just because he is man.

            Have you ever read about all the responsibilities that a husband has?
            Maybe if the man started out as the servant leader that God has instructed him to be, then he would have a desires to openly communicate with his wife, and not shut down so he can cheat and blame her later, because he is HEAD of the house and leader over women. Women’s vag_____ are soooo different from their husbands’ pe_____. Men still do not understand. Women do not deliberately hold back on intimacy, it just takes different techniques to get us started and to get to the thrill that you all, already have as ready,set, go. :)
            Men get too caught up in those few words in the Bible about head, leader, submit. There is more to a marriage than that.
            Read what Edward writes and observe how a man should speak about men, women, and marriage. Edward, seems to be a real man of God. I am a woman and I enjoy reading his comments because usually men speak with mean spirited, demaning words to women on these marriage blogs. I hope that he is geniune.

  10. Edward

    @DaveAM – In whatever the approach we have to use prayer and wisdom from the Holy Spirit on how to handle whatever we face. Your approach is different than mine, but you have to do what God is leading you to do. I would be concerned about demeaning or belittling my wife and pushing her further away. That is why it takes a diversity of views – so thanks for sharing.

  11. Zachery Hrdlicka

    Since the invention of the printing press non-fictional literature has been used for the dissemination of the Christian message, and also for disseminating different viewpoints within Christianity. The tract (a small pamphlet containing an explanation of some point, or an appeal to the reader) was in use at the time of the Reformation and continues to be used as a part of proselytization.;

    Most recently released write-up on our own blog

  12. Beryl

    It has been said to men, over and over again, but men do not or will not listen. Women’s sexual desires are so very different from men’s. Sex is not a priority to us, but we do it with you all anyway.(exceptions to every rule) and(some women will not allow this label placed on them).

    Men, pleaase know that certain acts or preliminaries need to be done before a woman will desire sex. By now men should believe this revelation, since we women have said it over and over again.
    By now it seems that men would hear us and do what it takes to get the woman fired up about sex. In the meantime, each frustrated man should sit down and talk to his wife with no person around. Be willing to be open and honest with her and stop shutting down on your wife. Neither partner should be acting like a cold, distant, pouty child and close up emotionally.

    1. WH

      Hey, Beryl – women cannot expect that all their sexual encounters will be as romantic as a Julia Roberts movie. Women most certainly DO withhold sex from their husbands (aren’t you reading these posts?). It’s YOU blaming the man when the wife refuses sex. Many a man pays the bills, remains faithful, is a great father just to have his wife put sex on the back burner because she’s just not interested as much as she is. Oh and then she blames her husband for looking at a pretty girl when she’s denied hi the affection he is entitled to as her Christian husband. I am truly in awe that this “blame the male for his sex drive” attitude still persists in modern day Christianity. I’m pretty sure the husbands of the wives that think that way are pretty darned unnecessarily frustrated, as well as easy prey for affairs and pornography. All preventable, by the way, if wives would quit making excuses and feed their hungry husbands. As a 30-year married man whose wife makes love to me whenever I ask, I can tell you that I am affair-proof because I have a great sex life with my spouse. A hungry man does not steal food.

      1. Terry

        Have to fully agree with this statement… a Christian man married for 32 yrs….my wife has been ill for past 9 yrs, of 7 of those years I can count the amount of times we’ve come together on 1 hand with fingers left over…’s been over 3 yrs since the last time, my married life has been more than frustrated….I can partly understand how she may feel, but it looks like she has used her illness as an excuse….why I say this, is because she has a difficult time relaxing and getting away from things that are not her responsibility…..she gets too involved in her kid’s responsibilities while im left on the side dealing with my own issues alone….all of her time is dedicated to cleaning house after overgrown drug addict kid who is 25 yrs old and grandchildren…. she spends most of, if not all of her time with….as a frustrated husband that has been cast to the side for everything else, and am only the paycheck, it’s difficult to not blame her for this….to me she holds all the responsibility of this failure….talking about it is and has been a waste of breath, leaving me only frustrated and isolated….the Lord has and is my only hope for sanity….

      2. Mari R.

        Here’s the problem: a large majority of women are put off and revolted by their husband’s sexual behavior, including his crudely, spontaneously groping and grabbing his wife’s breasts, behind, and private parts, insisting that she give him oral sex (gross!), waking her up to demand sex, not giving her foreplay, insulting her weight and body, putting down her thoughts and feelings, and painful too hard thrusting.
        This doesn’t even touch on hubs’ failure to carry on friendly, attentive conversations with her.
        Husbands should take the advice I gave Brenda, above…
        And quit bugging their wives about sex so much!

  13. Heather

    I really believe this amazing post , “Christian Men and Sexual Frustration | Elevate Your Marriage”, very pleasurable plus the post was indeed
    a very good read. Thanks a lot,Nannette

  14. Mason

    After reading all these comments I’m more confused than before. I tried communicating to my wife about my sexual frustration but she told me that I’m free to go find satisfaction elsewhere. She refuses to talk about it and even when I suggested we have it at least once a week she called me a sex addict?!!!? Now she actively encourages us to watch random pastors on TV in the evening so I can get help controlling my desires. I’ve prayed about this on a daily basis but as soon as I finish praying I’m still angry and frustrated. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think this woman loves me. She just enjoys the status of being a married woman. She hates it when I touch suggestively and says I pressure her. I give up, I don’t think I have what it takes to stay in a marriage where I’m the only affectionate one.

    1. Steve

      I am in the same boat. I do everything for her in an effort to find favor in her eyes, but there is nothing there. It has been over four years since we were last together. I have just shifted the relationship to different ground. I try to focus on our friendship and our children so that I do not fall into bitterness as often. Through almost constant prayer the Lord has given me victory over the desire of being intimate. It isn’t a perfect solution, but we don’t live in a perfect world and divorce is such a destructive thing. I am unwilling to lose my friend over something that she just cannot bring herself to do in our marriage. You are not alone and through Christ you can stick it out.

      1. Edward Post author

        Great comments! You are demonstrating a level of spiritual faith and priority that is uncommon. Praying God’s strength and grace over your marriage.

      2. Mari R.

        But Steve,
        Why should you have to allow your life and physical well-being to be ruined by your wife?
        Please read my advice to Brenda, above.
        In situations like yours, where the wife refuses to change and the two of you don’t want to divorce, therapeutic masturbation without tge use of pornography or lust is a Biblically tolerable and morally appropriate solution.
        A loving God does not want you to suffer physical miseries!

  15. DMartin

    OK, Paul told young men to get married because it is supposedly a way to control their lust and express their sex drive. That logically makes getting married an obligation to the wife to satisfy the man’s normal sexual desires. Normal, whatever that is, but it’s more than once a month, OK?? Lot’s more, read any research on normal male sex drive and it’s at least 2-3 times per week. You get hungry you get to eat and no one thinks you are a pervert or should deal with it…you get to eat. Biblically in other words sex is VERY important to the marriage and women who think or act otherwise are AGAINST God and the Bible not against their husband and any other reason or excuse is also anti-Biblical, an attempt to not face what God says that’s as plain as it gets. Paul would not have said what he said unless the Holy Spirit meant exactly what it says–it doesn’t require interpretation, it requires obedience. Men should get married and stay loyal, BUT the woman they marry should meet their needs from day one until death parts their ways. Amen.

    1. Mari R.

      You are subjugating the wife’s physical and psychological needs to those of her husband!
      Sexless marriages are a stalemate– a standoff between spouses of equal standing.
      I’ll tell you what I’ve told the others I have responded to : see my respinse to Brenda earlier in the thread.
      This technique is logical, smart, and can and HAS saved many a sexless marriage.
      Forget Paul/Corinthians. We don’t live in a utopian, ideal world!

  16. Carla

    I don’t know about other women but I enjoy having sex with my husband. Of course there are those nights where the fire isn’t ON because we’re both too tired, etc. but that doesn’t make either of us angry.

    I think men need to let their guard down and talk to their women instead of just getting angry, but at the same time women need to tap in to their feminine/sexual side more and really explore that side of them. I think it’s extremely hard for intimacy if both things are not occurring.

    As for men, don’t look at it like your woman ‘won’t put out and fulfill her duty’! Wow!! That’s the biggest mood killer! That’s NOT going to make your woman want to do it with you. Also, quit treating it like going to the bathroom. Take time out and really find out what your wife likes and how she wants it. She will do the same for you if she loves you.

    And woman, just because you’re a Christian wife doesn’t mean you lose all sense of your sexuality. If anything, having a Christian marriage liberates me sexually because I feel a deep connection with my husband through God, probably deeper than a relationship without God. So when having sex it’s a very spiritual act as well as so much FUN!

    This is all coming from a woman who has been married for 6 years with children and I still have sex twice a week on average. So if I feel this way towards sex, anyone can. No excuse! If there’s something wrong in the bedroom, there’s a definite deeper emotional issue that needs to be taken care of. Sex is the first thing to go in a marriage because it is expression. Once you stop expressing yourself, you run into problems.

    There is no handbook for situations like this because no two marriages are alike. That’s probably why the church shy’s away. On top of the fact that it’s a very personal subject. There’s no Christian way to have sex or number of how many times per month God is saying you need to do.

    Love covers a multitude of sins.

    Love is your answer and the answer to all things.

  17. Dammed for being normal

    In the grand scheme of things, I believe it all comes down to the fact that the church’s teaching is wrong, but those who uphold it refuse to admit it. If men are created as visual creatures who are more sexually inclined as opposed to their female counterparts, why are they being punished for their very nature? In reality this mindset is the same as stating that a woman will go to he’ll if she has a period; this is all just something that occurs inevitably through our biological make up! And what about single men? It is a sin if they have premarital sex. It is a sin if they masturbate. It is a sin if you get married but do not want kids. It is a sin if you get married and then divorce a wife who refuses your sexual needs. It is a sin to stay in said marriage but find release through someone else. Why ALL the guilt emphasis on sex with men. Also why is there still a stereotype that women are not as interested in sex, or never desire sex in the way that men do? Another teaching of guilt? I have had lots of female friends who can easily admit that they become as aroused in the same manner that guys do; they are not always scented candles and rose petals. I personally find it ridiculous that God would put such importance on how many times we get off in our life that He would overlook everything else and cast us into eternal fire. I also think that the “pray/read the bible to overcome your temptations” is laughable. Let’s put the shoe on the other foot: Ladies, pray/ read the bible to overcome your cramps! In the end, every human being in every different walk of life needs some form of sexual release. This includes pastors, priests, bishops, single, married, male, female, those who are promiscuous and those who strictly speak out against it. Hell is not just fire and brimstone. Hell is being alone, having no intimacy or sexual release.

    1. Mari R.

      Dear Damned For Being Normal,
      Great post. You hit the nail on the head.
      And WORST OF ALL, most Christians falsely claim that all masturbation is sinful when there is NO mention of this in the Bible.
      People are just squeemish about it because it is kind of gross, and then they falsely label it as immoral!
      The tragedy in all of this is that for men or women in low-sex or sexless marriages, relieving one’s own physiological needs with masturbation (no porn, no lusting) can SAVE the marriage, yet prudish Christians insist men suffer and do without if the wife refuses or can’t have sex.
      Use your own good judgement!

  18. Tanya

    My name is Tanya i live in USA were Divorce seems to be the other of the day,i was married to my husband Lawson for 18 years and we were living happily together with our 3 kids and all of a sudden their came this sad moment for the first time in my life i curt my husband having an affair with a lady outside our marriage before this time i have already started noticing strange behavior like he used to spend some time with us, comes home early after work but since he started having an affair with this lady all his love for his wife gone and he now treats me badly and will not always make me happy.I had to keep on moving with my life never knowing that our marriage was now leading to divorce which i can not take because i love Lawson my husband so much and i can’t afford to loose him to this strange Lady,i had to seek a friends advice on how i could resolve my marriage problem and make the divorce case not to take place and my husband live this Lady and come back to me again having heard my story my friend decided to help me at all cost she then referred me to A spell caster named Priest Ajigar, my friend also told me that Priest Ajigar have helped so many people that were going through divorce, and also finding possible ways to amend their broken relationship. To cut my story short i contacted Priest Ajigar and in just four days after the spell was done my husband left the other lady and withdrew the divorce case all till now my husband is with me and he now treats me well and we are living happily together again all appreciation goes to Priest Ajigar i never could have done this my self, so to whom it may concern if you are finding difficulty in your relationship or having problems in your marriage just contact Priest Ajigar he is Powerful and his spell works perfectly,i am somebody who never believed or heard about spell but i gave it a try with Priest Ajigar and today every thing is working well for me and if you need his help his email is (

  19. Sarah Marisan

    my heart is so wounded, I explicitly told my then fiancé now husband that I n ver wanted to be in a sexless marriage. I clearly expressed to him the importance of this to him before we were married. I explained that once a week is just sad and depressing. He seemed happy to agree, but now 6 years into the marriage, I’m lucky if we have sex 2 x a week. There’s little to no playing (which I adore and need very much) I feel my heart is breaking and I struggle with temptation so very much, which I’ve been very clear to him saying, “you put me at risk when you neglect me in this way”
    And yet here I am again.
    I feel so vulnerable. Vulnerable to desiring other people to satisfy myself and “teach him a lesson!!”
    But I know I cannot and with Gods help, I will not.

  20. Andy

    To everyone reading this article, it is appearant that some thing has brought you to this subject (regardless of it being you or your partner having intimacy issues) and you may be searching for the “solution” just as I was. I can tell you that prayer is a powerful tool we as Christians have in our tool box but it doesn’t always fix the problem, we still might experience a leaky faucet from time to time. However, how you pray I believe is more important that what you are praying for. You need to be honest in prayer and stray away from selfish prayer; ask God for the wisdom of what you need to do for your spouse and most importantly include your spouse in these prayers. It might seem awkward at first but trust me, when both members are in deep prayer with the creator and both are seeking a selfless, holy marriage this will bond you together in a way that guides you there. I also want to say this, both sides can play the blame game until they are blue in the face but when it comes down to it does it really matter who’s at fault? No, if both partners want the same thing work at it together as a team; because like the bible teaches us, when husband and wife are married they become ONE flesh so walk with each other and be your spouses guide. Lastly, I want to recommend a book to all of you reading this; it is called “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman and I encourage you to read it together and take detailed notes. Heck, you might even learn something about your spouse that you never even knew they needed and you might also find yourself learning new things about yourself!
    As a fellow Christian I hope all of you reading this article find a way to get your marriage back on track before it is too late! May God be with you and bless you through your trials in life!

  21. ron

    Good discussion going on!
    Lots of different viewpoints and yes, it is an emotional topic.

    I like to bring up something more specific. Its not just penetrative sex.
    It is co-operative, involved and collaborative sex.
    Yes, there are limits too and it is for the couple to determine.

    In most cases, the wife is not co-operative and adopts an attitude of:
    ” .. ok, lets get it over with… have you prepared the tissue paper? ”

    Gee… I think this is where the sex trade gets enough business!

    Yet, as Edward mentions, it is the hormones. And we cannot accuse the hormones… its nature.
    I just cannot understand how hormones can interfere with one’s attitude, and if it could,

    – what could the wife do?
    – should she do anything?
    – does she know?
    – how long should the husband wait for the wife to return to the state that he knew her on the 1st date?

    Yup, I am a long suffering husband… and I do not believe that this should involve God. It is a very human issue, like eating, breathing.

    Thanks for reading, everyone.. have a great weekend and hope you have great, co-operative sex!

  22. Greg

    I think there is something everyone is skipping over. I researched things that it takes for husbands to have a blissful marriage with their wives. Here is the list in no particular order:

    1. Be a good listener.

    2. Have uninterrupted communication. This means have conversations with her with no kids, no cell phone, and no t.v.

    3. Figure out what her love language is. There is a book by Dr. Gary Chapman that is supposed to help with this.

    4. Encourage her.

    5. Prioritize her. Let her know that she is more important to you than your job. I found this to be a little confusing to follow because how can a man provide for his wife properly if there are certain office meetings and parties that he can’t attend because his wife is putting him on punishment and telling him not to go?

    6. Care for her. This means take the kids off her hands every now and then, especially when you know she’s tired.

    7. Prepare her. This means foreplay and every man has heard his wife tell him that foreplay is an all day thing so we have to start slow. This is also confusing when you consider that women can “arrive” as fast as we can and don’t really need foreplay to have an orgasm. They can accomplish this just by either sitting on top of the dryer when it’s on, or detaching their shower head when they’re in the shower. No foreplay is needed then.

    8. Lead her. This means be the spiritual leader in your household.

    9. Free her and let her have other friends, especially other female friends.

    10. Date her. Oooh this is a biggie. Never forget date night.

    11. Make her feel loved. Tell her you love her multiple times a day and do things that communicate the love you feel for her.

    12. They need to feel beautiful. Flirt with her and tell her she’s beautiful. And never, ever, develop a wondering eye for other women while you’re doing this.

    13. Show affection. It’s not just about sexual affection. Kiss her and hold her. This also includes giving her back rubs without expecting anything in return.

    14. Be thoughtful. This includes writing her love notes and sending thoughtful text messages. Call her and leave a message on her voicemail when she’s at work just to say that you were thinking of her.

    If I missed something please let me know. Here’s the clincher, though: What if we husbands just decided to slack off on all these things that we KNOW are important to our wives and just told them to stop making a big deal about it? Even though that is what we get told all the time in one way or another by our wives at some point. It’s 2015 and nothing has ever changed about how important sex is to men. This is nothing new. Women have known from the jump how serious sex is to us yet I find it unfair that we have to do whatever it takes to make them happy and they can just decide not to reciprocate. Worst yet, we have to decide to just accept their frigidness as if this is how it is.

    So if it’s wrong for us to neglect their needs it should be wrong all across the board. Remember, they took the same vows we did in front of the preacher and to God. Believe it or not it is a partnership and when one partner neglects their end of the bargain you can’t cry “you just don’t get it” to us; especially when we’re trying to do what we can do to help. You’re leaving your union wide open for problems and problems left unchecked or not taken care of only get worse.

  23. Sebastian

    The lack, no, the complete absence of sex in my marriage is sometimes crushing to say the least. It doesn’t make me even angry anymore, it just makes me sad and dull. It’s become a bloated mass of sorrow and despair and I seem to be unable to get through it.

    I’m a faithful man, I’ve pushed away countless temptations and proposals during the last 15 years, since I’ve always wanted to focus on my spouse (now my wife for 4,5 years). Many men complain that they only have sex once a week, twice a month, few times a year and so on. I’ve had sex 4 times during the last 2 years. The worldly man in me would call me a pathetic loser for this and would scream at me to take the first opportunity of having extra-marital sex (which is available almost every time I go out with my friends, even though I go out rarely, it’s always there). So there. I’m not bragging with my resilience of being able to give rebounds, I’m just saying.

    I feel I’m the only one in our relationship who desires sex, thinks about it, dreams about it. I feel I’m the only one who even shows any kind of physical affection, from kisses to hugs and so on. My strength of being able to endure this must come from God, because the mortal man in me would gladly choose a different path, at least for a temporary relief. But I know cheating would kill me inside, it would severely hurt and disrespect my wife and ultimately it would not satisfy me in the long term. So cheating is out of the equation, it’s not going to happen. Plus, I always remember what my good friend (a former womanizer, you know, a real one who is a doer, not a sayer) once said: “when you encounter someone who tempts you, remember to think of all whom she’s already been with or probably been with and how short time ago…”

    Sure, we have kids and jobs. They take their toll, always. But do these elements of life have to necessarily take away my sex life too? Have all married couples with kids abandoned their sex life as an unnecessary and dated function which has no meaning or use anymore? You’ve had your sex, you’re married, you have kids, so it’s done and dusted?

    We had this problem before the kids, you know?

    Way before we were even together, I once tried a sex doll. At least it didn’t complain, resist, keep it’s legs shut or tell me how it didn’t like this and that, you know?

    I dare you to try to have sex, staying excited and erect on your own, when you notice that your counterpart doesn’t get excited at all no matter what you do, when you know beforehand that you’ll probably fail this time too like so many times before, when all your efforts and best intentions are going to waste, when you’re not getting anything back. Succeeding in having an intercourse and ejaculation against all the odds is one thing, but complete sexual satisfaction is another. If having just a brief orgasm is on the top of a mountain of begging, cuddling, hard work and intense focus of not losing the momentum, is it really even worth going through all the trouble? There are easier ways of having a mere orgasm, you know? Becoming sexually content and happy seems to be a distant dream. I would like to be desired and dreamt about too, you know? Wanting sex alone with no mirroring emotions is very excruciating.

    Luckily I find comfort in the Word of God and while this sex issue is a major thing, it’s only a part of this life here and now. My main goal is in the eternity with God, luckily even a sorry sinner like me can get there through my Lord Jesus Christ.

    1. Mari R.

      Please read my advice to Brenda, posted earlier in this thread.
      Do your body a favor and try therapeutic masturbation, without viewing pornography or lusting. If you need to, buy a vibrating body massager (available at drug stores) and use it.
      There is no legitimate reason to continue to suffer unmet sexual needs in a marriage. What I have suggested is not adultery and is not Biblically forbidden.

  24. Reg

    The author is fairly easy to figure out. Mama’s boy, who had a bad -or- no relationship with his daddy. Sir what your doing is analogous to what many Christian Caucasians did to refute the legitimacy of racial discrimination (100) years ago; just pushes off the true solution to the problem……..or any solution to the problem.

  25. Ryan

    I found this article while doing a Google search because this is something I’m starting to deal with. My wife and I have been married for a little over two years. We were both virgins when we got married, so neither of us had experienced sex until our honeymoon.

    About 7 months after we got married, my wife decided to go back to school for her MBA which would require her to be in school two nights a week in addition to her full time 9-5 job. Before entering the program, we both discussed the pros and cons and one thing was definitely agreed on – that no matter how busy things got, we’d always make time for the two of us so that we wouldn’t drift apart.

    About a month after my wife started her schooling, her sister fell on some hard times and we agreed to let her move in with us temporarily (that was a year and a half ago). Needless to say things have been pretty crazy for us lately, and needless to say that our “intimate” time is becoming less and less regular and I’m beginning to become frustrated.

    Let me explain while I’m frustrated. First of all, it’s not like we’ve been married for decades and the sexual fire has just naturally burned out over time, we’re talking about newlyweds who were 7 months into their marriage when things started to die down because lives became busy. Let me also remind you that neither of us had experienced sex before until we got marriage, so we got about 7 months of sex. I wouldn’t say that we just approached natural burn out. How could you after so little time?

    I’m also beginning to get frustrated because I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices and not getting what I need. Let me explain. Now that my wife is in school, she’s in class two nights a week where I don’t see her those nights until late, the other nights/days she’s working on homework or studying. I’ve basically sacrificed my time with her so that she can get her degree. We both agreed on this and I’m happy for her, but we also both agreed that we’d make time for each other. I also have a full time job and I go out of my way so that she doesn’t have to worry about anything but school. I do all the housework, wash the dishes, do the laundry, cook the meals, do the grocery shopping, and pack her lunches every day. I do all this so that she doesn’t have to focus on anything else but her school work. However, when I’ve went all week with hardly seeing my wife and we finally have some time together one night I get the “I’m just not in the mood, sorry” excuse. You’re not in the mood? Well I am! And I haven’t seen you all week and I’ve done a million other jobs around the house so that you can be less stressed and comfortable while you’re studying. I feel like I’m entitled to something to, right?

    Next, I sacrificed our privacy and our house when I agreed to let her sister move in with us. I can’t tell you how many times I finally get my wife “in the mood” and then her sister walks into the room and blows the whole thing. My wife whispers “sorry” in my ear and I feel confident that we can continue where we left off once we head up to bed. Nope. You know what I get? “Well, I was in the mood, but not anymore. Sorry, are you ok?” No I’m not ok. My engine is still running and I’ve got an erection I’ve got to get rid of. It’s all just frustrating.

    Finally, I’m frustrated because I’ve talked to her about this. I’ve explained that everything I’ve done is out of love for her because I want her to succeed in her studies and I knew how important for her it was to help her sister. However, these are sacrifices I’m making for her, but where are the sacrifices she’s making for me? Giving me some intimate time when she doesn’t feel like it could be a way she could sacrifice for me. I’ve clearly explained that going a couple of weeks without anything is hard on me. I’ve also explained that it doesn’t always have to be some big sex escapade, that it can be little things – like just cuddling naked and kissing. It’s all about that physical bonding that we need as men. When I don’t get that I feel like I drift from her a little bit. I’ve explained that to her to. I feel like I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m always mindful of her and her needs, but she’s not mindful of mine and when I bring up what I need it’s like “I’m tired” or “I don’t feel like it.” Well I don’t feel like giving my wife up to school or sharing my house with her sister, but I do these things cause I love her and want her to be happy.

    And don’t get me started on prayer. I’ve asked God to remove sexual temptations from my mind more times than I can remember, and it never worked. I remember being a teenager and struggling with sexual frustration and not having a release because I was a Christian and I used to pull out my bible, put on Christian music and beg and plead with God to remove the physical urge. However, it was never removed. Maybe it’s just not right to pray away a natural God-given urge? Perhaps that’s why it wasn’t taken away.

    In my situation though, I feel like we’re husband and wife and it should be not a 50/50 effort because that would mean each person is only giving half. It should be 100/100 where each person gives their all to the other. We are two halves of one whole now, and we should think of the other one as ourself. We should both sacrifice for the other in order to make the relationship stronger. Sacrifice isn’t doing the things we want or “feel like” doing, it’s doing those things that are hard or doing things even when we don’t feel like it, but because we love the other person and want to make them happy. When this happens, both people are happy and the relationship is stronger. This is what I feel needs to be happening, but it’s not.

    I’m hoping things get better once she graduates and her sister moves out!

  26. KD

    I feel that church has put marriage on an alter and made an idol of it. In my church,I have seen several couples get married amidst much hype and glory only to see them break up very publically soon after,when imo they shouldn’t have gotten married in the 1st place. My story is one of sexual frustration,except in this case I am the guilty one.I have been married over 2 years to a wonderful young woman who adores me,yet I have never been able to feel the same level of passion that she has for me. I can’t begin to describe the mixed emotions that I have here,but I do feel a great amount of anger towards church and friends for the pressure that was put on us. Not to mention feeling guilty about my poor wife.

  27. BT

    I’m a Christian woman who is standing by my husband’s side after a long battle resulting from his infidelity. Sex was very common in our marriage, and he admits this is true. Though after a few kids it was not every day, at least every week or more. I believed that giving myself to him frequently would keep him always faithful and when he was gone far away working to still call and text him in a sexual way to keep him satisfied with me. For those of you that believe it’s the woman’s fault if she is cheated on, it’s absolutely not. Even the most faithful woman in every aspect gets cheated on. Obviously every man has sexual urges and temptations, but I know it can be controlled if a man is first seeking God in his life. Also, yes, in a marriage BOTH partners are to love each other and give themselves to each other. Men operate more on a physical level and desire physical intamacy as a means of love, whereas women generally operate on a more emotional level. When the husband gives her more emotional love, like taking time out of his day, undivided attention, to talk to her about anything, and show her you are listening, or get her small gifts showing you are always thinking about her, that can make a woman feel as fulfilled in love as a man feels when his wife comes to him to give herself physically. When a woman feels fully loved on an emotional level by her husband, the sexual aspect of the relationship comes naturally. It’s something the woman usually wants to do for her husband to show her love for him, WHEN she is also feeling loved BY him. If a man wants to point fingers at the wife and say she deserves to be cheated on if she doesn’t have sex with her husband enough, then likewise the finger should be pointed back at the husband and say he deserves to be cheated on if he doesn’t do enough to make his wife feel emotionally loved. My husband had become distant and mean in our marriage for years, he did nothing really to show me emotionally that he loved me. I felt empty and unsatisfied in our marriage and it hurt, I was tempted to cheat on him actually. A woman has that emotional need to be met just like a man’s physical need. If she isn’t getting it met, infidelity is a temptation for her too, just to feel loved again. I felt guilt for my thoughts and temptations and looked to God every time, I thought about the consequences and resisted. I decided I would be faithful to God by being faithful to my husband. I was able to resist because I love God more than my spouse, as we all should. I found out after all of this that he was emotionally, mentally, and physically cheating on me throughout our marriage. Long story short, everyone has a choice in faithfulness and fidelity, everyone has needs, but as Christians we follow Christ, we walk in the Spirit so we can overcome the things of this world.

  28. Zach

    I am a 21 year old student and I’ve been struggling all the time with porn addiction and i am slowly learning to endure and hope despite my feelings of frustration. Maybe I what i want more is not just the tension from God-given sexual desire, but strength and sympathy and empathy to help me in fighting this addiction. Strength is important and I’m glad if i can endure troubles and the pain of unfulfilled desires, but i also seek understanding and empathy during times like it.

  29. Redeemed

    Obviously some people are stuck in this struggle and would be frustrated with this writing, but it does not mean our brother in Christ is wrong on all his points. Thank you for your encouragement and your tips are valid. I am living this and I wont go into all the details but I ask for prayer because this causes more pain than women realize. To be rejected 99% of the time, to have ZERO say about when sex can happen, to see sex turn into this boring mechanical task without passion, to get virtually ZERO affection, to go through therapy and the therapist tell you she has rarley heard a wife praise her husband like my wife praised me yet your wife confess to you that she MUST have comtrol of sex, to do my best to be a good father, husband, lover, etc…..15 years down the road its very hard to continue to have self control. Still….sex is not my GOD, JESUS is….I pray I remain faithful and GOD wakes her up.

    1. Luis

      Hi brother, i feel for you, i am in the same situation and have only been there for 4 years, we dont even have kids so its not that, she blames it on never recieving emotional affection as a child so she cant show emotion etc. Its always something, now the new one is shes losing sex drive due to menopause, just what is going to be next time… to get to 15 years like this!! I feel for you… I dont think i can handle that, not me Who considers himself so sinful and backsliding that i dont know if God truly is on my side, im so scared of Him i even fear everything i say in my prayers and everything i do, even comenting here im like “is it wrong of me?” Just guilt and shame to the point i cant even ask Him for help as i feel this is my just punishment for backsliding so many times. I have tried it all with her from talking to arguying to Biblical confrontation and though she has in some way come to admit it, she is still as cold as stone, not an ounce of remorse or nothing, i believe i could burn to death in front of her and she would run away instead of help me…… i feel like im the bad guy for feeling like this, i cant help feeling and thinking “after everything that you have done to Jesus, after all the times you asked for help and he helpped you yet you backslid further, now you want to ask Him to help you or bless you?! Shut up and take it!! Enough of a blessing it is that you are still breathing!!” I feel this every instance of my life to the point i cannot sleep and i awake feeling like im 15 and i was out drinking and smoking all night and my father caught me and hes waiting for me to wake up to let hell loose upon me; every second i feel this fear, during prayer i grovel and hit my self in shame, frustration and tremendous confusion as to where i am with God….. i need help, i just feel like dying

  30. Today

    It’s sickening to know you fell deep in love got married only to have to struggle with sexual temptations because your spouse is being selfish. I cannot just say sex, I prefer to use the word intimate (my personal belief) self pleasure is a sin, adultery a sin, porn is a sin and the only thing I can do is sit, pray, deal with frustration and rely on God. Even after years, and years of trying. To deny another spouse and have lengthy periods between intimacy is unfair and it’s an act of cruelty. Just as an adulterer must take responsibility for his/her actions, so must the wife/husband for depriving the other spouse and not trying to seek help! That’s not normal. Paul used the term concession, and not a command he said. Consession is to say grant it if it is being REQUESTED because it is a RIGHT. If you take a ‘right’ away, you need to live up to your role in the matter; as if a spouse were to cheat. WAIT, this is not to say that I one cannot forgive or understand the other’s spouse condition. However, that spouse need to live up to what they are doing and seek help. Marriage is not joke, we have to work as a team. These things are elementary. Unless that spouse is disabled in what ever form, why not work on the marriage and not just sit and expect the other to suffer and deal with it. We need to stop playing around with such sacred union and follow the Word of the Lord the best of our ability. We must work to be a hedge of protection for our spouse from worldly lust, and not contribute to the pressure. God has called us to peace through it all. Let us strive, both the deprived and the spouse that is withholding rights & bring peace to each other’s lives. Thank you for posting. It was a good read.

  31. TR


    After sixteen years of marriage, my wife has decided that our marriage is a sin. She had three marriages before we were married. She has come to the conclusion that she should never have left her earlier husband(s), because she had given her life to Christ beforehand.

    I have read all the scriptures she has read and then some. I have found writings by knowledgeable pastors. She has been counseled by her brother and sister, both Christians, and one unofficial counselor. They all disagreed with her.

    The way I read it, if you left someone when you should not have, and there is nothing you can do about it now (reconciliation), if you asked for God’s forgiveness, he is faithful to forgive. His words, not mine. Which should mean at that point that there is nothing good to be gained from destroying our current marriage.

    I have encouraged, begged, insisted, to no avail, that she talk to a REAL counselor. She said all she needs is God’s word. Which may be strictly true–as long as you take it ALL into consideration.

    Bottom line, she decided four months ago that sex was a sin for us. She says she is willing to leave, which kills me, because I love her so much and can’t stand the thought. But her staying means nothing more passionate than a hug and a peck on the cheek.

    That doesn’t work, I’m a normal, healthy man, going predictably crazy.

    I would be grateful for any advice as to how to attack this problem.

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  33. Dike Flora

    Your discussion centered mainly on men. Consider a situation were a woman is faced with challenge. Remember a man can force his wife to satisfy himself, what do you call a woman who have to force his husband to derive satisfaction. Remember women has pride to guide and protect, mostly good Christian women.

  34. Paul

    Thanks for the article, in general good advice to always focus on Christ.
    I’m missing something very important: the role of the Church here.

    Although the apostle Paul is quite clear about the goal of marriage (to quench “burning with passion”, 1 Cor 7), and even has clear instructions that marriage partners AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE consent to give away the ownership of their bodies to their spouse for sexual satisfaction, the Church does not teach this (at least I’m not aware of any churches that do), and therefore do not address the not-agreed-upon withholding of sex as it should be addressed: it is SIN!

    Given that most churches have non-functioning church discipline, even if it was seen as sin, most churches will not take actions against the sinner, leaving the other partner with complete empty hands. Indeed, one can only depend on God here, but be assured that as long as this sin is not addressed, there is going to be a lot of suffering on the part of the denied partner.

    Given that most men have a higher sex drive than women, churches are effectively abandoning men. And they wonder where all the men have gone…

  35. Paul

    I can give one piece of advice to all you men out there, next to fully trusting in Christ:
    please read . Be aware that Christians and non-Christians comment on his articles, but I’ve found valuable advice.

    In the end I came to the conclusion that marriage will only work when both spouses decide to obey the Lord, and closely follow instructions as given in the NT (1 Cor 7, Eph 5-6, 1 Pet 2-3, Col 3, 1 Cor 11, Tit 2, 1 Tim 2, 1 Cor 14) . Maybe not surprisingly it also seems to be the experience of Christians and non-Christians alike if you read the reactions on Dalrock’s blog. Let me tell you, the NT instructions are FAR removed from what most churches/Christians will tell you to do, so be aware. You will find a clear pattern: husbands should lead and love their wives, wives should respect and obey (!) their husbands, giving their bodies to each other for sexual gratification.

    May the peace of the Lord be with you.

  36. Linda

    This issue is very challenging. My wife is my best friend, i talk to her about everything.
    But the reality of things is that am sexually fustrated in my marriage. As i write this, she is sleeping next to me and i logged onto the internet to search for christian answers. I love my wife so much but sex is on her terms in our marriage. Even fell into sin because i started masturbating and watching porn. I communicated this to her and things seem to be improving for just a week then she lost interest in sex again. I really pray about this, also asked her to pray too, its really hard because I love my wife so much but the sex limitation angers me so much and i try so hard not to intertain it. I also make sure to love her the best i can also be romantic,help around the house most of the time so she would relax. Nothing seem to working, its very hard!!!

  37. Tm

    We have been married for 3 years….
    We have enjoyed sex with my husband but now I am pregnant. The first time I checked with the doctor, he said there was a threat of miscarriage; he put me on bed rest for 2 weeks and said no sex for 1 month. After that we resumed and had sex…..but not as often as the pregnancy made me weak. Mh husband is a Christian but of recently I found out that he is trying to get back with his Ex….when I asked him….he admitted that he has been sexually immoral. What should I do?

  38. CH

    I have tried to do the right thing in our marriage. My wife is ten years my senior. Sex started to wane a couple years into our marriage. My wife has degenerative joint disease and has had several back and knee surgeries. She hurts a lot. Sex has been on the down slide and I have reached my end. Attempts are futile and all there is left is loneliness and hollowness. I am now only a paycheck, a carrier of insurance, and the handy man to take care of things around the house. I raise the grandchildren and cook, I shop, wash clothes, clean bathrooms, vacuum and dust, and take care of the pool and auto maintenance and cleaning. My reward: constant criticism for being frustrated.

    I have tried to persuade her to perform oral sex instead of penetrative sex due to back ailments. She doesn’t like doing that. She can manually masturbate me but it takes too long and she grows tired. Vaginal sex is dry and with lubrication it is not too bad but her ailments hinder it. She has told me she has no desire for me whatsoever but she loves me. We are thirty years into our marriage and 15 of these have been horror on the sexual front. I have tried dating her, back rubs, flowers, constantly telling her she is beautiful and sexy and I get laughed at. She can live day to day as if everything is great. I get reminded of how patient I used to be but not any longer. I keep all of my gripes to myself now because it is easier for her and she doesn’t feel guilty if I don’t bring it up.

    Prayer hasn’t helped yet. I do take some trips into porn. But it pushes me away from God. I have become withdrawn and find myself looking at other women with sexual intent. I won’t cheat, or haven’t yet. I just look forward to the end and try to keep up the good fight. I pray God releases me from this agony. There is no time for me anymore. Bourbon helps but I refuse to give into it beyond a single drink or two at the most. There isn’t any light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I am not suicidal, I just understand where my path is. I am Atlas, and I carry my world steadfast. I exercise and stay in good shape, my libido is great. I never would have imagined the despair that comes with sexual frustration. The church has let married couples down by not emphasizing God’s plan for marriage. I won’t divorce. I do love my wife, but I feel so alone in my marriage. Why am I not valued enough for this one thing a couple times a week?

  39. Pingback: 49 BEST Sex and Marriage Posts of 2012 | Intimacy in Marriage

  40. SS

    I to understand what has been said here. But would like to add it is God’s plan for married couples to have sex. Don’t know why there is any discussion over what needs to been done here. I’m a Christian man have been all my life. Just seems to me in today’s society people take what is written in the bible and twist around it’s true meaning to justify their own sins. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. I’m in my third serious relationship second marriage I have anyways been there for the girls but none of that ever matters when it comes to my needs. Just like so many have said I’m just a pay check, Gardner, handyman, the one everybody goes to when things go wrong. With the lords help I’m able to pull a rabbit out of my hat most of the time. I have never and will never have an affair. With that being said just don’t get it why a woman can control men with sexual negativity. For those of us who do do it all for them. Seems like a control issue. Yes you girls have the kids but we are there too. Cant yall see that. My first wife ran around on me and said it was my fault she did I was always working. I never and will never tell my lady’s no when they want sex doesn’t matter how much I have worked or to busy. I was told I was a sex addict. Still have to laugh about that. My next relationship went the same way. I have been the bread winner every time and found myself raising other people’s children. I’m ok with that but my kids need me too and my money. I do the best I can for everyone. Now I’m 11 years into my second marriage and get the same lines. First couple years wasn’t bad had sex often enough. But sense then been going down hill. Now we are to the point I can’t even bring it up without starting a fight. Prayers porn conversation about how I’m feeling are useless. Haven’t had sex in years can’t even remember when. So in closing I still have to say SOMETHING IS WRONG IN THE WAY WE (society) INTERPRETS WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS. To me it’s simple treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. How hard is that!!!! Thanks and god bless us all!!!

  41. Daryl

    I tried opening this problem to my wife but she does not want to talk about it,, hopefully prayer and the other tips on this blog will help,, because when i got frustrated i got angry, and lots of sinfull thoughs come in my head and it worries me, that i might sin if i cant fight it and put those thoughs into action

  42. Grace

    Being a woman who deals with this is a truly lonely place. Almost 6 years of marriage now.
    I have tried many times to voice the need for help, but nothing has been done to change the issue.
    Honestly the thing that keeps me for crossing the line I’m fantasizing about others is that I am afraid that if I go there I won’t be able to turn back.
    I feel so sad that this is a part of marriage I so looked forward to but it’s one of my greatest disappointments.

    I really do love my husband so it is so confusing that I don’t enjoy being intimate with him.

  43. Eden Fantasys

    When Mark got the message that his advances were likely to be thwarted, he stopped asking for intimacy. He had no idea how to express his frustration and despair to Sheila. Her loud sighs and condescending expression at the mention of sex communicated that she could never understand how critical their sexual relationship was to him.

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